FAMILY GUY: Clue
by Tharpdevenport
Summary: One of the Griffins has been murdered and it's up to Joe to find out who did it...
1. Chapter 1

Low thunder rumbles in the cloudy night. A lightning bolt flashes, illuminating the Griffin house.  
We see the shifting eyes of Lois, Chris, Brian, Stewie, then ... a hamster, with a crescendoing music motif.  
"Peter! Do you mind? This is an investigation," says Joe.  
"Oh, sorry," leaves the computer in the adjacent room and sits down on the couch next to Brian.  
Joe, in full duty uniform & hat, wheels himself around the room, "None of you are leaving the house until I find out what happened here."  
"There? Brian took a tinkle once," Peter replies.  
"No, your dead daughter," says Joe non chalantly.  
"Oh."  
"I know one of you killed her."  
Lois speaks, "Why does it have to be one of us? It could have been a stranger; maybe even O.J.!"  
"No, he's too busy playing golf and having sex with models," answers Joe.  
"Well, we'll never tell; we're a family and blood is thicker than water and all that lovey-dovey crap," says Peter.  
Looking at them with lowered apathetic eyes, "Who ever tells me who did it gets full immunity."  
_**"HE DID IT!!"**_, they all shout. "She did it!" Peter's voice trails after they had all finished, while pointing at Lois.  
Brian comments, "I'm starting to think there may be more wrong with this family than angry looks and murder."  
"It can't be all of you."  
"Well, we always have been trying to do more as a family," says Lois.  
"Oh, here's an idea -- why don't you all go jump off a cliff? Better yet, how about just Lois," says Stewie.  
"Look -- I stabbed her," Brian concedes.  
"But you pointed at someone else earlier."  
"I did, but I wasn't the first person to do so. This all started earlier today..."

Everything goes black. White letters appears: "Earlier today...", than high-pitched wood blocks imitate a ticking clock and "3:15 p.m." appears.  
"I'm home!" the front door opens and Meg walks in with books in hand, "hey daddy," gives him a peck on the cheek.  
"Just hold perfectly still; her sight is based on movement."  
"What are you doing?"  
"Ah, crap. Not now, honey, daddy's watching..." looks at the T.V., "Dawson's..." flips the channel, "Lewis Bl..." presses the remote again, "Batman Fore ... what the _**hell?!**_ There's over a hundred channels. Daddy is watching something; he just hasn't figured out what the hell it is yet."  
"Oh, hey sweetie," Lois says as she comes downstairs with a basket of dirty cloths, "how was your day?"  
"You're never gonna guess what happened!"  
"You got a life?" Peter says in a really low voice.  
"What?"  
"Debbie Wieselman kissed our new substitute teacher!"  
"Mr. Postal? Well, he is kind of hot, but teachers and students have relationships all the time."  
"Debbie and Michael were going at it for half an hour!"  
"Sweetie, this is kind of boring ... do you got anything else?" asks Lois.  
"Well, I put this quarter into a vending machine and got _two_ bags of chips!"  
"Oh -- I think I hear the dryer beeping," Lois runs off for the basement stairs.  
"Damnit," comments Peter.  
"And when I bent down to get them out, there was a third bag in there!"

"_Oh, dear god!_ Get to the point already!" Joe slaps the arm rests on the wheelchair.

"I am, I am," Brian continues, "anyway, that's what I heard while Stewie and I were in the next room, WATCHING SOME VIDEOS ONLINE..."

"All right, check this one out," Brian moves a mouse around and clicks it.  
"This had better not be _two girls & one cup_ again or I'm gonna remove your testicles and give them to Harrison Ford. What? Crystal Skull sucked."  
"Time for Plan B..." his voice drifts into the room.  
**FA-POOM'PA**.  
"Dad? Dad? Well, I guess I'll talk to you later."  
"She's coming!" warns Brian.  
"Quickly -- play dead!"  
"I'm not sure that will work," says Brian.  
"Then what's Erik Estrada been doing these passed two decades?"  
Meg enters the room and runs up to Stewie pinching his cheeks, "Hey Stewie; how's my little cabbage patch doing?"  
Stewie coughs, "eh-" cough, "eh -- she -- she's touching me. I-I say ... vision failing, heart rate rapidly declining..." coughs some more.  
"Oh, you'll have to excuse him, he's got ... herpetitus. C."  
"Well, I hope you get all better so we can play more."  
"Assuming my -- cough -- limbs don't rot and fall off."  
"Let me tell you what happened today during Physical Education!" shouts Meg.  
"Meg -- and sweat ... and showers! Dear god, this must be _**stopped!** _" yells Stewie.  
"Ryan Kessler was wearing no shirt and flexing those muscles of his and it was so hot and my nipples got hard--"

"_**What the?!** _" Joe looks at his crotch and starts punching it with a fist, "not now, damnit -- not now!!"

Meg continues, "Oh! And then he bent over an--"  
"Ahhh, da da daa," Brian comments trying to keep her voice out; he looks around, then starts pounding his face into the desk top with his left hand, "where's my money? Where's my money? Where's my money?"

A harp sounds up & down the melodic scale.  
"What's that?" asks Joe.  
"Oh, Rebecca the harpist moved in next door."  
"Thank god -- I think it's stopped," says Joe.  
"The harp?"  
"No, what little life there was left in little Lieutenant Joe. Brian, this had better be going somewhere."  
"Well, long story short, it was then I knew I had to kill her," says Brian.  
They all look at him.  
"What? She was a whiney little rodent. complaining constantly. Don't you guys give me that look -- you all stabbed her too."  
"Oh," Lois sighs and puts a hand on her forehead while shaking it, "it never ended; I regretted giving birth to her."  
"Well, she was kind of a loud mouth," Joe comments.  
"That's why I stabbed her in the mouth!" yells Chris.  
"I tried euthanasia, but apparently that's only for animals," says Peter.  
Stewie, who sits o the floor with a bandage on his forehead, comments, "Dear god, it was like a real life Chatty Cathy doll."  
Joe wheels around, "So, which one of you sick daughter stabbing bastards did her next?"  
"Oh, Brian -- did you hear that? He said _'did her'_," says Stewie.  
"Shut up."  
"Maybe she was poisoned; Lois' food has been awfully bad lately," says Peter.  
"Peter, she has five stab wounds."  
"She tripped. And fell. On the knife..." Peter taps his fingers on his legs, "six times."  
"Why does it even matter who stabbed her first? We all did it," Brian ads.  
"Any number of factors; maybe you were all led into coercion; if the autopsy shows she died from the first wound, then that person will be charged with manslaughter."  
"Well, I'll never tell and the only possible witnesses were Chris, my loving wife, an unconscious baby, and man's best friend."  
"Peter did it."  
"Bad dog!"  
"All right. You better just go ahead and tell me what happened, Peter."  
"Oh, okay. So, Meg had just left the living room..."

Peter, on his knees on the sofa, pulls his head out from between the cushions.  
He sits back normally and clicks the remote.  
The T.V. blares, "And now back to ... The Substitute."  
"Agh!" flicks the channel.  
"And if you act now, you can get _two_ for the price of one!"  
"Agh!" flicks the channel again.  
James Earl Jones' voice blares, "You are watching CNN."  
"Agh!" turns it off. He puts down the remote and stands, making fists, "I can' even watch T.V. because of her; I LOVE T.V.. Oh, that's it -- something's got to be done about her."  
"So I went to the kitchen to go get a knife ... but it was all full," Peter's voice over says.  
"What the hell?" says Peter upon seeing everyone in there. Chris is eating at the table and Stewie is in his high-chair.  
Lois suddenly thrusts a knife out to Peter's face, stopping just shy of his eyes, "Say Peter, can you tell me if this knife is clean or not?"  
"Well, I'm not really sure..."  
Brian, in the background, jumps up and retrieves a knife, then looks about to make sure no one noticed, before exiting quickly.  
"You know what? I can't really be sure; I'll just have to get another one and examine it later," takes one of the remaining three Ginsue knives, "on a completely unrelated note, you know where Meg is?"  
"She went upstairs, thank god," says Lois while polishing the knife with a cloth.  
"Thanks honey," kisses her, "you're the best."  
Peter voice over sounds, "So I went back to the living room and watched T.V. a little more to avoid suspicion."  
"And that's when you killed her?" asks Joe.  
"No, that's when I caught the last five minutes of the cockroach episode of ALF."  
"But then you did kill her?"  
"After I took a leak; and I didn't wash my hands."  
"What guy does?" Joe tosses out.  
"But both Brian and Chris went upstairs before I did. Either one of them could have stabbed her first."  
"Lois, your brother is up for parole soon, isn't he?" says Brian.  
"Oh, oh -- it's _so_ easy to pick on the fat guy."  
"Well, who went up first?" asks Joe.  
"Um, I think I did," replies Brian.  
"Brian, would I be right in assuming nobody else was up there when you got there?"  
"No."  
"Then there was somebody else up there?" Aside from Meg."  
"No, sorry; I said _'no'_ meaning _'yes'_."  
"_'no meaning yes'_? Look," Joe points at Brian, "I want a straight answer; someone else or wasn't there? Yes or no?"  
"No."  
"No there _is_ or no there _isn't_?"  
"Yes."  
"If someone doesn't start making sense, I'm gonna have to start stabbing again, and this time _'No'_ definitely means _'Yes'_."  
"Look, I went upstairs to stab her, but when I tried the door, it was locked."  
"Maybe whoever stabbed her first was in there already," Joe thinks aloud.  
"No, I listened to the door to see if she was asleep, but she was just on the phone."  
"All right -- now we're getting somewhere. I can trace the call back to whomever she spoke with and see if they know anything."  
"I picked up another receiver; she was talking to herself."  
"Disturbing on many levels. Which receiver?" Joe asks.  
"The only other one upstairs, is in Lois' room. I went there because I heard someone coming up."  
"Finally -- a break. Brace yourselves everybody; the next name uttered may very well have been the one who killed Meg. Brian ... whom did you see enter upstairs?"  
"I peaked around the corner and saw ... Chris."  
The dramatic ascending three-note motif plays as they all look at Chris.  
"Damnit, Peter! **_Could you lay off that?!_**"  
Peter turns around from the YouTube clip of the hamster and says, "Sorry."


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: "Chris, With A Knife, In Meg's Room"**

"Chris, honey, mommy was wondering if you could shut the hell up so she'll have something more to show for the last 17 years of her life other than a baggy uterus and Marlon Brando hips."  
"Now Lois, I'm sure if Chris is innocent he'll put all our worries to rest with the nest words out of his mouth," says Joe.  
"I killed her because she called me a lardo!" he says with wide eyes while doing a stabbing motion.  
"And there went that opportunity."  
"My mom told me to move on and be the better man, but knifing her felt so much better, and now the evil monkey has his own room. A two- fer!"  
Joe comments, "Not everyone's cut out for the Better Man business anyway. Describe to us what you did."  
"Well, I went up to my room to masturbate..."  
"Chris!" shouts Lois.  
The harpist next door plays.

Chris sits in his room, frustrated.  
Chris' voice goes over the scene, "But she kept yakking & yakking on that damn phone..."  
Chris looks at a woman's magazine, "Oh, miss Catherine Zeta-Jones, there's only one way for us to spend quality time together."  
Chris' voiceover: "So I went and tried her door, but it was locked."  
As Chris tries the doorknob, Stewie darts by and into the bathroom.  
"Where'd you get the knife?" asks Joe.  
"I got it from the kitchen to protect myself against the evil monkey."  
Chris walks away from Meg's door.  
"A likely story," comments Peter.  
"Peter, quiet! And then what happened, Chris?"  
"Well, then I went back to my room and realized Jennifer Aniston was also in the magazine; a picture of her boobies from some deleted movie scene leaked online last year -- they were hot."  
"Ahhh ... I remember back in my day it was the Sears catalogue," reminisces Joe.  
"Well, I was just about to take care of business -- if you know what I mean..."  
"Yes, Chris -- we know what you mean. Looks like I'm gonna have to cancel my subscription to Cosmopolitan."  
"When suddenly I heard her screaming," Chris continues.  
"And what did you do?" asks Joe.  
Chris twiddles his thumbs, "Well, I'm kind of iffy on that..."

Chris runs in and as he stabs Meg in the mouth, yells, "**_Shut up!!_**"  
As Chris enters his room, Stewie exits the bathroom right, and quickly into Peter & Lois' bedroom.

Cut to Joe rubbing his chin, "Interesting. Well, that rules you out as the first person to stab her. I appreciate your honesty. On the stabbing part; not the monkey spanking bits."  
"You're welcome Joe. Hey -- who's up for a game of Life?"  
"How deeply inappropriate. Well, Brian, that just leaves three of you. Did you stab her first? A simple 'Yes' or 'No' will suffice."  
"Well, I was just exiting the bathroom..."

Brian steps out of the bathroom and stops looking in to say, "What the hell is wrong with you?"  
Brian's voiceover: "When I heard Chris walking to his door, so I ran and hid in Stewie's room. She was already whining and yelling when Chris entered and stabbed her."  
"Then what happened? If I had a nickel for every time I said that..." comments Joe.  
"So I waited for him to leave..."

Chris walks out of Meg's room, looking frustrated and shaking his fists. When his door closes, Stewie's door opens and Brian's head pops out. He looks both ways, then races into Meg's room.  
Meg crawls across the bedroom floor with a trail of blood leading behind her. She looks up at Brian.  
As she attempts to speak with the knife jammed in her mouth, blood spurts out, "Iryon, heulp wee."  
Brian's voiceover: "Just then I heard footsteps approaching the top of the stairs..."  
Stewie dashes by and into his room. A shadow casts upon the top step.  
"So I cracked the closet door open to get a better view."  
Joe's voiceover: "And?"  
Brian's voiceover: "And that's when I saw Peter enter the room."  
Peter walks in casually, stabs her in the back, says a few words, then leaves the room. He suddenly runs back in and hides in the closet with Brian. Ten second later Brian comes out, looks at the door, then sticks the knife into her back non-chalantly and goes back into the closet.  
Five second later he comes back out and twists the knife while saying, "That's for the viewers," and goes back into the closet.  
Brian's voiceover: "And that's the whole grizzly tale. Come to think of it, now that I look back on this ... it wasn't that bad."  
Joe speaks, "So Chris stabbed her second, you stabbed her fourth and Peter stabbed her third ... that only leaves one other person: Lois."  
They all gasp.  
Lois goes wide-eyed, then looks around while grinning.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: "Lois, In the Bathroom, With A Knife"**

**Ding dong!** The doorbell rings.  
"Just a second. I hate to leave you all in sus-" Joe suddenly wheels off to the front door.  
Lois comments while the family looks at her, "Don't you all give me that look; you all stabbed her too."  
"If I had known we were going to kill her later on, I'd have worn a condom and spared those few inches from your waist."  
"Oh, hey Rick," says Joe to the man who has entered.  
"Hey, Joe," says the white guy dressed in EMC attire, "where's the body?"  
"Upstairs."  
"Which room?"  
"The one with the dead body."  
They stay fixed, looking at each other solemnly for ten seconds.  
"Nah, I'm just kidding. Bathroom, top middle, left."  
"Shouldn't take long" says Rick as he heads for the stairs.  
"Thanks," wheels back, "ah, where were we?"  
"She did it," Peter points a finger at her from his unraised left hand.  
Lois comments lowly, "So help me I will _break_ that finger."  
Stewie's ear perk up, "Oh -- Lois. Tell us more about what bodily manglings you would do onto the fat man."  
"Why'd you do it?" Joe asks her.  
"I thought in-between washing the cloths and dinner I could go up there and stab my little darling. I read a book on how to do it quick and harmless."  
"That's not really a reason, so much as a sign of being psychotic."  
"Psychotic people reason," Lois rebucks.  
"Touché. Now wait just a minute ... Brian was up there, Peter was up there and now Lois. Brian, tell me again how it happened."  
"Like I said, I went upstairs to stab Meg. I hide in Lois' room after hearing someone come up..."

Brian closes the door quickly and listens at it. He then goes to the telephone and picks up the receiver to listen in on Megan.  
She speaks, "...but that's not all! So later Debbie Miller and I went to get some ice cream and..." he hangs up the phone.  
He sees a basket of dirty clothing at the front door. He picks out a pair of Lois' used underwear and sniffs it heavily, "_Aaaggghhhh_..."

"What were you doing then?" asks Joe.  
"Nothing," Brian blurts out.  
"So then what?"

"Then I heard Meg scream. I figured I'd look out of the place in Lois' bedroom, so I dashed into the bathroom and hide in the shower."  
"And since you said earlier Chris was up there, that makes you the second person up. We're narrowing it down ... so then what happened?"  
"Then Stewie entered the bathroom..."  
Stewie hops in the shower after whisking the curtain open.  
"Oh-" says Stewie, surprised.  
"Hey, I..." Brian comments.  
"So."  
"So."  
"What'cha doing in here?"  
"what are you doing in here?"  
"Nothing."  
"As well I," replies Brian.  
"Good. Then we're both doing nothing," Stewie comments.  
"Yes."  
"In the shower."  
"Right."  
"With no running water."  
"Un hum."  
"While Meg screams out in bloody murder."  
"Correct."  
"And, ah ... we're not going to do anything about that, eh?"  
"We could turn the ventilator fan on," Brian suggests.  
"Okay..."  
They stand there silent.  
"So, how about those Bears?" says Brian.  
"Yeah ... not so much into sports; more of a film score guy."  
"Well, I will finish this shower later," steps out.  
"Hold on."  
"What?"  
"You wouldn't wanna ... say ... maybe take a shower together. You know -- help you reach all those hard-to-reach places. Just an idea. Nothing erotic. Here -- I can even use Mr. Bubble here to hide all your naughty parts."  
Brian opens the bathroom door and steps out some before saying, "What the hell is wrong with you?"  
Brian's voiceover: "So, like I said earlier -- I went to Stewie's room and heard someone come up, so I hide in Meg's closet. Like I said, it was Peter..."  
"Ow, ow -- you're just -- you're bleeding all over the place. Stanley Steamer costs money; if you gotta bleed, do it in the bathroom so we can mop it up. And clean the toilet while you're in there."

"After that you went downstairs, right Peter?"  
"Well, I started to, but then I heard Lois coming up, so I ran back into Meg's closet to hide..."

Peter looks frantically around. He jumps on the floor and ties to stuff himself under the bed; it jets up, lop sided like a baby elephant is under it.  
"No, this won't work," removes himself. He looks at the closet, "ah ha!" and opens and shuts it quickly upon entering.  
Peter looks down and sees Brian's white eyes in the pitch black.  
"Oh, hey Brian."  
"Peter. Hey, can you give me a sec?"  
"Sure."  
Brian's voiceover: "So I stabbed her and when I opened the door I saw Lois entering the bathroom, so I ducted back into the closet."  
"So..." says Peter.  
"So..." Brian replies.  
"How about those Bears?"  
"Great, I hear. You know hat? I saw you do it, you know I did it too, so let us just stand in this dark closet and contemplate our sings."  
"I farted in church once."  
"Not quite what I had in mind."  
"And said _'Jesus did it'_."  
Brian's voiceover: "Then we both shut up when we heard the bedroom door open."

"And that's when you entered, right Lois?"  
"I believe so. You see, I went to the bathroom to make sure the knife was clean; I was so concentrated on what I was doing that I didn't notice the trail of blood leading in there. I was so focused, so I went about my plan..."

Lois knocks on Meg's door, while holding a basket of clean clothing, "Meg, honey, I got your clean cloths..." opens the door and walks in, "honey..." puts the basket down; she removes the Ginsu knife from the clothing and approaches the lump underneath the bed covers, "mommy's got something for you, Meg. Just let her ... **_SHOW YOU! _**" she rips the covers off and stabs. "A Real Doll that looks like Matthew Broderick?" looks confused momentarily, then peaks at the penis.  
Lois' voiceover: "Right then I heard a noise outside and ran to hide in the closet..."  
The closet doors shuts. Meg's bedroom door opens and Stewie peaks in, holding the large Ginsu butcher knife, looks around, then closes it.  
"Peter!" she exclaims.  
"Lois!"  
"Lois," says Brian.  
"Brian," she replies.  
"Good night, Spock," says Peter.  
"Well, I can't think of anything that would make this more awkward," comments Lois.  
"Lois, my nose is in your crotch."

"If she wasn't in the room, then where was she?" asks Joe.  
"Well, we left the bedroom and Peter suggested I try the bathroom..."

"Nope, not in here," Peter closes Stewie's bedroom door. Stewie lies unconscious behind it, with a bruise on his head and the butcher knife knocked under the nearby bed.  
Meg shakes while lying on her side in the bathtub. She tries to lift herself up by the water facets, but triggers the shower head which starts raining down on her. Suddenly, a shadow loom over the curtain.  
"Woom?"  
"WEE! WEE! WEE! WEE! WEE! WEE!"  
Lois lowers in and stabs Meg in the heart, then leaves.  
Meg grabs at the shower curtain and it rips off the holding bar. She lies dead in the tub as her blood washes down the swirling drain.  
"Peter, you didn't have to make that noise."  
"what are you kidding me? Bernard Herrmann classic; you always said you wanted me to get more into the arts."  
"Well, I guess so."  
"Did you really have to sanitize the knife though?" Peter asks.  
"But look how clean it got it."  
"Oh -- it's better than the dish washer; there aren't even any spots. Except the bloody ones."  
Brian's voiceover: "So we all went downstairs and enjoyed the rest of the day."  
Peter shouts, "Hey -- who wants to play Scrabble?!"

"You're all disgusting," says Joe.  
"Hey, you're not supposed to judge unless you've been judge Judyed or something like that," says Chris.  
"Chris, have you ever been an inmate's bitch?"  
"Joe, just tell us one thing: how'd you find out?" asks Lois.  
"She called me from her bedroom phone."  
"See, Lois -- I told you she didn't need a phone, but _nooo_O, you just didn't listen."  
"Hey Joe."  
"Hey Rick. Everything okay?"  
"Yup, one dead body; everything's perfectly normal."  
"So, what's the story?"  
"Well, death by multiple stabs wounds, of course."  
"Duh. Getting stabbed four times can do that to a guy."  
"Five. There are five stab wounds."  
"Five? You sure?"  
"Hey -- if there's anything I know, it's stab wounds. Well, good luck with the investigation."  
"Thanks."  
Rick leaves the Griffin household.  
Joe wheels back & forth while thinking aloud, "Chris stabbed her once..."  
"I only had one knife."  
"Brian, you stabbed her once, correct?"  
"Yes, and I saw Peter only stab her once."  
"And Lois has two witnesses for only stabbing her once -- though her witnesses stabbed her too. Stewie was unconscious and besides that, he's just a harmless infant anyway."  
"Yes ... harmless; like little Damien," comments Stewie.  
"Somebody in here stabbed her a second time..." says Joe.  
"Well, who could that be?" asks Lois.  
Joe thinks for a few second, "Well, isn't it obvious? Think of the facts?"  
Chris blurts, "The facts of life?"  
"All the time upstairs is accounted for and we know who did what. Prior to that, everybody was in the kitchen, except for one person who used that time to not only stab Megan, but miss the beginning of ALF -- Peter!"  
"HUH!!" they all gasp.  
"What? Did I fart?"


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: "Someone With A Knife**

"Take a good gander at my big, fat middle finger," Peter flips everyone off. "Joe, you sure you even got the math right? Sounds kind of fuzzy to me."  
"Well, someone stabbed her, then of course you did it twice, then the rest of you stabbed her."  
"So, that's four," says Peter.  
"No, 1+2+1+1."  
"Wait, I thought it was 1+2+2+1."  
"That's six. It's 1+2+1+1."  
"What about 2+1+1+2?"  
"That's also six."  
"Hey, what about 1+1+2+1?"  
"Peter, that's the same thing again, five -- all you did was re-arranged the numbers."  
"1+2+ -- five, six, seven, however many times it takes to get the job done. Nothing is too good for my baby."  
"Peter, it's just simple math; 1+2+1+1 5," Brian comments.  
"Are you trying to make me look stupid?" Peter shouts.  
"Well you certainly don't ... too easy."  
"The family that preys together, stabs together I guess. What's wrong with you people?!" Joe yells.  
"I preyed for a sharp knife!" says Chris.  
"We just needed to let off a little steam. Peter -- remember what we were originally going to do?" says Lois.  
"What? Oh! Peanut cookies," giggles.  
"Yeah," Lois laughs with him; she slaps his knee.  
"Remembered this time," Peter adds.  
"I don't get it," says Joe.  
"Well, that's not important; what is important is that you can't prove a thing," says Peter.  
"Peter, it's fairly obvious; you picked her lock and stabbed her so when Chris came back to try the door again, it was no longer locked.  
"Oh yeah? Prove it," he folds his arms.  
"Honey, for goodness sake -- he already knows."  
"Not so fast, Lois, I do have a secret of two."  
"Such as?" asks Lois.  
"I pooped in the bank air tube thingy once."  
"I guess that's not too bad, you did stab out daughter to death after all," says Lois.  
"No wait -- there's more. Something far worse; something so egregiously inhuman that I can't even reproduce it with puppets."  
"What?"  
"I saw DOOM!"  
"Oh, so you were the guy," Chris comments.  
"Oh -- oh dear god. I should arrest you just for that."  
"Great; does that mean we can drop all that stabbing stuff?" says Peter.  
"Nice try. If you're not going to confess, then lead us through your version of events."  
"Very well -- follow me!" he runs and they all follow him. He stops at the front door.  
"That's it? You made us all run two feet just to get to the front door?" says Brian.  
"It all started earlier when Meg came home from school. In hindsight I should have changed the locks, but it's too late now for regrets. She said _'Hello'_ then approached me on the couch, over there!" he runs two feet back to the couch; everyone runs with him except Brian.  
"Yeah, I'm not going to be running around pointlessly anymore."  
"She stopped at the couch where she annoyed her father endlessly with boring personal crap and useless anecdotes. Luckily he had the presence of mind to wedge his head firmly between two cushions, thus ending the talking. Then she went upstairs!" they all run upstairs, trailing behind Peter.  
"Damnit," says Brian, he runs after them.  
Joe stops at the bottom of the steps and waits silently. Ten seconds later Peter comes back down.  
"Sorry about that," turns Joe around and starts dragging him up step-by-step.  
"I don't even know why I'm doing this; you're arresting us all for murder anyway."  
"True, but that doesn't mean we can't be civil about it."  
"Hey, you know what just occurred to me? I could push you down the stairs."  
"Peter, that would be wrong."  
"Why? We already stabbed our daughter to death. Murdering -- it's like riding a bicycle: you never forget. Whoops!" lets go of the chair briefly.  
"Stop that."  
"Oh no!" does it again.  
"I mean it."  
"I'm really gonna drop you this time!" lets go, "just kidding," giggles.  
"I will mace you."  
"Oh, oh!" lets go yet again, "had you there for a second."

He wheels Joe quickly into Meg's room.  
"So then she went upstairs and proceeded to call all her boring friends..." picks up the phone and does a bad impression of Megan, "_'Hey fellow teeny-bopping nobody, want to hear about all the boring crap I did today?'_," moves the receiver to his other ear, "_'Yeah!'_. Mean while, downstairs, everybody was in the kitchen. Follow me!" he runs with Joe down the stairs.

They all run into the kitchen.  
"When I entered, Stewie and Chris were having a snack and Lois was sanitizing her murder weapon and also cooking awful food. While we exchanged banter, Brian took a knife. He then went _outside_," they all run out of the kitchen.  
"Damnit, I thought meant..." Brian comes back in from the back door.

He stops in the living room, "But I got a knife too!" runs back into the kitchen and pretends to hold a knife, "and when out into the living room where I noticed Brian already heading up, so I sat down to watch TV," sits down and turns the television on.  
Peter just sits there.  
"And?" Joe asks.  
Peter flicks the channel.  
"Peter, what next?!"  
"Oh, sorry. So Brian went ... upstairs!" they all run up, with Peter dragging Joe up step-by-step.

Peter races into his bedroom, "Where Brian hide in wait to make sure the coast was clear. Then Chris left the kitchen!" he races Joe out and down the stairs again, as everybody follows.

"Peter, will you stop doing that?!"  
"**_No!_** Chris is suddenly overcome with the urge to wank it so he heads upstairs!" runs to the stairs with everybody.  
Stewie goes through the channels as Peter drags Joe in his wheelchair up step-by-step, "Oh -- _Magnum, pi_. I say, Magnum -- that's one sexy mustache. Hum ... and the butt isn't bad either."

"But once up there, Chris found his efforts to crank one out futile with the incessant chattering from Meg's room, so he tried the door!" runs out of Chris room to Meg's across the hall, "but it was locked. But during that time Brian races to the bathroom!" runs over to the bathroom.  
"Peter, I'm getting dizzy," says Lois.  
"No time for dizziness, Lois. Just then-" heads for the stairs and takes a few steps down.  
"Awww..." they all moan.  
"I came upstairs!" starts to come up. He bangs his knee on the second to the last step, "sss-AGH! sss-AGH! sss-AGH! sss-AGH! sss-AGH!" stands up and rubs his right knee. "With the Ginsu knife in hand, I approached her door silently -- like O.J. on that faithful night. When I tried it, it was locked, so I used a screw driver I kept in my pants from work, and picked the lock. Once in, I pretended to give a damn and stabbed her once she let her guard down. During that time Stewie leaves the bathroom as well!" they all race to the bathroom.  
"Yeah I'm still trying to forget this part," comments Brian.  
"I heard someone moving around in Stewie's room, so I ran back downstairs to watch ALF!" they all runs downstairs.

"But upstairs a tugless Chris tried Meg's door again and found it unlocked!" they all race back upstairs and into Meg's room.  
"If you're all trying to make me feel bad, I should warn you -- it won't happen," says Chris.  
"Once the deed is done, Chris re-enters his room and takes care of business; at that moment Brian races out of Stewie's room and into Meg's but upon hearing me coming up the stairs, hides in her closet!" they all race into her room and into her closet, with Joe on the outside.  
"Brian lie in wait as I entered."  
"Lois, my nose is in your crotch again," sniffs, "Summer's Eve?"  
"Heh, heh..." she trails off with uneasy laughter.  
Peter opens the door and they pile out into the room, "I stab her and try to leave, but Lois comes up, so I hide in the closet; not knowing Brian is there as well. During this time Megan dragged her worthless body out her room, across the hall, and into the bathroom, leaving hundreds of dollars in carpet cleaning bills. So, Lois stabs her in the bathroom and we go downstairs!" they all race down.

"Oh yes Thomas -- those _are_ short shorts" says Stewie.  
"Once we were all down, we got together as a family and played Scrabble. The end. So, as you heard, I only stabbed her once."  
"Peter, you just confessed up there to being the one who picked her lock and stabbed her first."  
"Oh, did I? Heh -- with all that running back & forth ... sort of lost track."  
"Why did you stab her twice?"  
"Technically I only stabbed her _once_, each time. Well, I stabbed her because ... you know ... incase she was a vampire."  
"Well, you're all under arrest for the murder of Megan Griffin. I can't believe all you sick bastards were trying to kill your daughter."  
Says an apathetic Stewie," Well, except for me; I was trying to kill Lois."

**--THE END--**


	5. Chapter 5

**AND HERE'S HOW IT _COULD_ HAVE HAPPENED...**

...  
Nah, just kidding; they would have all stabbed her anyway.

**THE END (really this time)**


End file.
